We Gotta Get Used To It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtwlBO6B1Ls

"It's time to go outside.

I'm gonna be sick for a while.

It's gonna be quite some time.

If that's what we never had,"

Learning already that things take time, but even the little nibbling that time does on your toes can help.  I'll be sick about this for a while, but I've gotta get used to it.  At least the truth is out and there's been an apology.  Now it's all a healing process.  Thank god there are a few pleasantries on my side with a new sewing machine and some pretty unexpected support.

Regardless, it's eerily clear that hope is a pretty dangerous crutch, but we'll learn to walk on our own again.  Maybe later rather than sooner.  At least we've got each other now.  Just a few people with a powerful new perspective and shifted priorities.  We'll be going for a walk because it's time to go outside.

-rawr

Who Are You?

You know that moment during the climax of a film when everything you've just seen changes because of a big reveal?  That point when a new perspective is introduced and there are flashbacks to different scenes that you can now interpret with "the whole story"..well real life isn't like that, but aha moments can really seem that way. How shocking could it be to discover one lie?  Enough to change a whole plot?

It certainly feels that way.  There's no trust here.  It's as if years and years and years of this relationship were ingenuine.  How many times was I lied to and what about?  How could I have not known about this double life and which one is the real you?  Or is there really only one?  Which one are you?  Who are you?

If You Can't Hang Then There's the Door, Baby.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UwWYtLWEZg

"Met a girl at seventeen.
And she meant the world to me
So I gave her everything.
She turned out to be a cheat."

Harsh words and a rehash of a new favorite band, but it seems eerily appropriate.  This is the sort of hush hush business that makes me admit that a private diary would be beneficial, but I seem to lose them or they get deleted. Regardless, this information will be public soon enough.  Some pretty influential people in my life are on the rocks.  It's been years in the making so the surprised tears that I startled my roommate and poor snuggle muffin with yesterday night seem rather unwarranted.

As much as I've been rooting for their separation on multiple occasions, it's pretty uncomfortable knowing that it's come down to infidelity.  There were so many other occasions for someone to leave, but instead, there were some dishonest emails and a pretty ineffective cover-up and now one of them is out of the house and out of a job.  Prayers may be necessary if that's your belief. Hasn't been mine for quite some time, but perhaps some habits need changing...

-rawr

You, Marshmallow, You!

Stressor of the day: worry of being comparable/adequate.  I've seen a certain pair of pelvic bones and several defined muscles on the regular recently, and the more I get to run my fingers along them, the more I realize that I don't see much of that ever-so appealing, trim, touch-me fitness on myself.  Dating up is a pretty dangerous endeavor.  So I say to myself, "I'll buy a bike."  Pray with me that a metal frame and some cogs and wheels will spur my feelings passed this awkward awareness to action.

Ah..well. I suppose that little orphan Annie said it best, "Tomorrow, tomorrow. I love ya, tomorrow. You're only a day away." Hopefully this current rendition of the all-too-familiar procrastination theme will stop replaying this next Thursday (I don't dare call it its colloquial counterpart).  Again, let's pray that a new bicycle is the answer...And maybe a salad.  I'd rather not think of how far downhill I could bounce if I should let this sickly, out-of-shape, low self esteem-edness derail me.  Would rather not admit how badly it could effect as a good a coupling as this newest one..  Wish me luck!

-rawr

Will This Strength Still Be Mine?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=nZQmFClnuOM

"I want to know your fear.
From your feet to the back of your ears.
When they raise the landing gear,
Will your heart stay here?"

It's that time of year again.  Perhaps time of the quarter..Time for that special burst of motivation. I'm in the middle of a veritable take off at the moment.  My toes are still touching the ground, but regardless, discovery hour yesterday excited me an exceptional amount and may have revived a long banished dream of pursuing primatology.  Cross your fingers that I'll be at a zoo or sanctuary by the end of this calendar year, kids!

So what reason could I have to be on tippy toes instead of in the air? You may have guessed..the fellow friend that I may have to leave behind.  Solutions have been racing through my speedy, motivated brain, but nothing seems to have any logic to it.  At the end of the day, he'll be signed up for college courses this fall, and if I have any luck, I'll be absolutely anywhere else. Sadly, I'd known to avoid this, but how could I have guessed that a raspy hangover kiss and Subway sandwiches would escalate? God damned orangutans had better be worth the probable what-ifs..

그댄 내게 과분한 존재

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRJ4IzpfVUs

"Don't be shy anymore.  You're already my girl.
Even if it's not clear, it's that way to me."

It would be pretty unfortunate if I were off base with this.  Of course, this is an area of survival that I've mastered, but the disappointment would pose a special challenge.  I don't suppose that there's a reason to get my hopes up, but here we are. Regardless, as far as I'm concerned, I'm a one-man lady and cross your fingers that it's for a one-lady man.

With or without a title, the roughest parts are leaving in the morning and drifting off at night.  Not much to be said of my romantic nature, but there are a few moments that I wish I could stay in.  Foolish or otherwise, I'd hate to say goodbye and miss something. Baby, goodnight.

-rawr

You Spend Half of Your Life Trying to Fall Behind

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBEAaKcnNRg&feature=related

"It's like forgetting
the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it.
You were always singing along."

Although I may have completely missed her meaning of the song, Regina seems to be speaking to my heart today.  Yesterday was decidedly, the first day of the rest of my life.  Maybe a fresh start today will provide me better results because if yesterday is what I have to look forward to then I may as well pull the covers over my head and wait it out.

There's this part of me that thinks that everything is like riding a bicycle.  Sit on the piano seat and your fingers will just remember..like on a bike.  Sit in on a German conversation and your mouth will just remember..like on a bike.  Sit and eat a salad and you stomach will just remember..like on a bike.  Sadly incorrect on all parts.  Regaining this sense of established self all at once is of genuine difficulty and it's truly a pity that I can't just pick up where I left off.  At least I'm out of bed, that's step one.

-rawr

P.S. For the curious mind, I didn't have the right moment to propose my thought on ill-conceived commitment at the picnic. I'll accept it as being some kind of wise underpinning. It's probably better that I just "slow my roll."  Everything doesn't have to happen today.  If ever something was worth the wait, maybe he is <3.

This Dream is Researched

I haven't heard a song that spoke to me particularly clearly this morning.  Mainly, I've been acquainted with the usual frivolous love songs and dance-y party mixes that keep me cheerful in the earlier hours, but they don't much compliment this building sense of anxiety associated with the pending future.  Granted, it's always tomorrow away, but that's uncomfortably soon considering the lack of plans that I have for it.

I should be right on track with a bachelor's at 22, but somehow that's not enough these days...The lack of drive to achieve that I seem to possess is most probably the degenerative factor here, but I'd much rather be in denial of the fact.  Exceeding by exerting the exact minimum effort has gotten me this far.  More and more, though, I'm noting that this little fish isn't ready to leave the pond for the ocean.  Ocean fish are scary and have 4.0's from notable, private institutions. How is the rural "exceptional" prepared to compete with real intelligence..?  Suppose it's time to learn to swim against the current or this little fish may just get swept up in small pond life forever..  The largest detriment to the learning process: the lack of a real passion to fight that water rush for.

-rawr

I'll Be the Proudest Lady in the Easter Parade

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYac9O3GYTM

I could write a sonnet
About your Easter bonnet.
And about the fellow
I'm taking to the Easter Parade.

Thank [insert personally appropriate religious icon or lack there of choice here] that there are stand up ladies like Judy even back in the good old days. As much as I hate to be an initiator with any manner of pantless intentions, I'm glad to know that when it's necessary, I'm not the only lady with the metaphorical balls to do so. Had Fred Astaire shown hesitance with me, I would like to think that I would've put on my make-a-manly-gesture Easter dress and wow-ed him with my self-confidence just like she did.

Let's see in practice if I can keep it up.  I may have a pretty important talk topic in mind for a special picnic today.  Perhaps between his guitar riffs I can pretend this Scott Pilgrim tshirt is such a pretty thing as she wore and just perhaps I'll see if he'll save those pretty string strummers for just me.  Perhaps..

-rawr

Oh My, Don't They Hate To See Us Try.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HjBq9aZ9cw&ob=av2e

Seen this place before
Back when I was young and had something more to prove.
Now that I'm older I've seen the things that I want
And I'm ready to make my move.

Picking up my TESL certificate put some things in an interesting, new perspective.  It was a strange fast-forward to this pending state of adulthood with a job, my own, tidy apartment, and a bull terrier.  Perhaps the finer details are blurry, but I can see my hip and waist measurements of tomorrow clearly when I close my eyes.  When I open them, though, I see a size eleven, employed by her parents for the obvious, pitiable reasons, and the view of sinkhole that's my home town.

Waking up this morning feeling congested and with an essence of roommate confrontation still clinging to me from last night is less than encouraging for instituting difficult change.  But even if today isn't a day for life decisions, it's a day for life.  I'll tear a page out of the book of Sleeping With Sirens, and I'll do what I want. I think I'll appreciate having started it with a morning-breathy kiss and see if I can end it with an alcohol-infused one.  There'll be some manner of tasty fruit and badly done french braid today.  In between there may be some responsible activity at work and some tidying at the homestead, but otherwise, I'll enjoy it and work on the few things that I know that I want.

-rawr

Okay, Away We Go. Only Thing We Have On Is The Radio.

When I'm not sure how to word my thoughts, I steal other's. This morning, I'd say that Rihanna is speaking my mind best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0CGsw6h60k&ob=av2e

"Baby, you got me.
And ain't nowhere that I'd be
Than with your arms around me.
Back and forth you rock me."

What Rihanna hasn't said for me, Fred Astaire did in The Gay Divorcee, "Chance is the fool's name for fate."  I might be a fool, but it's not the only four-letter "f" word that I believe in today. I don't know who's driving this car, but I think it's headed in the right direction with a goofy 20-something covered in bug bites and her favorite curly-haired distraction snuggled up in the backseat. Ready to take this ride.  Hoping it'll be a lengthy two-passenger haul, kids.

I'll proceed cautiously with the thought in mind that much more cheesiness will drown this macaroni, but my morning is passing by in a haze and I can't keep from haunting some one else with my tween-inspired sensibilities. Foremost, rolling out of the covers was extraordinarily difficult knowing that I had to leave my comfy bed and nighttime company just to go type some customer words into a computer screen. Money makes the world go 'round, but I like it better when he makes it stop.

-rawr